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2 AGENDA Richard Porritt THIS WEEK’S BIG STORIES “ What could possibly go wrong?” asked a depressed Number 10 staffer at the news Theresa May was to do an LBC phone-in. She wanted to talk about the government’s newly-announced race audit but the callers wanted to talk about that and much more. One asked about whether she would secure the rights of EU citizens, she stumbled about a bit before delivering a stock answer from the Maybot’s database. But when host Iain Dale asked how she would vote if another EU referendum was held an error code 404 flashed up and there was radio silence. Do we have a PM who doesn’t even believe in her own government’s Brexit position? When asked afterwards how he thought it had gone the same Downing Street advisor sighed and said: “Oh, just wonderful...” In hindsight the cough, the prankster and the letters falling off the backdrop might have saved May from an even bigger mauling. If people had been focusing on the policy rather than the spluttering they would have noted there wasn’t much of it. In fact the whole Tory conference was devoid of proposals. But the Prime Minister rallied the troops and clings on to power. The public shows of support change in private though. Here is one on-the-record response to May’s speech given moments afterwards: “It was glorious. A battling display full of spirit. I think the public saw the true Theresa today.” And the off-the-record quote from the same MP: “What a fucking car crash. She has to go.” There’s a job going with Jim the washing machine salesman – that is, of course, the member for Leicester East. MP Keith Vaz needs a new assistant. “Work tasks,” the advert reads, “may include supporting Member of Parliament in his role as chairman of the APPG Grope on Yemen.” Unfortunate typo. But even though he is short-staffed, Vaz was back with a bang at Labour conference. His beloved Diversity Nite was a hit. Last year the event was in hiatus following allegations, which Vaz apologised for, that he entertained rent boys posing as Jim the washing machine salesman. One Labour MP said: “Loved having the night back. Just don’t call him ‘Jim’. That annoys him.” October 12-October 18, 2017 The New European Michael White in Boris Bonnie Greer’s Big Feeling Baroness Lawrence on racism Could Portugal save Spain? Your letters Britain: The new Belgium? 4-6 7 8-9 10 12-13 16-17 Has there ever been such a short political honeymoon as Emmanuel Macron’s? As millions went on strike in France this week a new poll showed the majority of losing faith in him and his ability to run the country. A whopping 54% “do not trust him to fix the country’s social and economic problems”, according to the Elabe poll. It is a huge tumble for Macron, who won a landslide victory against Marine Le Pen just six months ago. Pollsters are putting the crash in his ratings down to his controversial plans to change labour laws – but a worrying tendency for putting his foot in it is also emerging. While on a visit in central France he was confronted by angry protesters whose jobs in a nearby factory are at risk. He commented that they should be out job hunting “instead of wreaking fucking havoc”. And Macron’s Prime Minister Edouard Philippe did little to defuse the anger, saying he could not understand the controversy and that is was “just a slip of the tongue”. But some French political commentators are coming to a different conclusion on Macron’s fall from grace: He won because it was him or Le Pen. What now for German Social Democrat leader Martin Schulz? He was drafted in to take on the formidable – although now wounded – Angela Merkel at the start of the year and experienced a quick surge in support. But it was short-lived. And now Der Spiegel magazine has revealed some of Schulz’s private comments during the campaign, prompting calls for him to quit. “Life is like a chicken ladder,” Schulz said after a state election defeat in May. “Covered in shit.” And after telling students in Paris during a speech that “as Chancellor I will work with France” he commented privately: “We are in freefall. Maybe I am the wrong candidate. People are nice to me but it is out of pity... I don’t have the slightest chance.” Then after a particularly bad television debate he lamented: “The situation is shit. I am just happy if we have not embarrassed ourselves.” Of course, Schulz was right. The SPD slipped to their worst result since the Second World War. “W here there’s muck, there’s brass” the old saying goes. And that is certainly the case in Switzerland where a study of sewage found more than £1 million worth of gold and silver in just one year. On top of this the same value again was discovered in rare earth metals. But who’d want to fish it out? ADVERTISING To advertise your business inside The New European’, contact James Boyle – james.boyle@archant.co.uk “A POP-UP PUBLICATION” EUROPEAN THENEW Published in Norwich and printed by Archant Print, a division of Archant Community Media Limited (Co Reg No 19300) and Carn Web, Morton 3 Esky Drive, Carn Industrial Estate, Portadown, BT63 5YY Northern Ireland Registered Office: Prospect House, Rouen Road, Norwich NR1 1RE ISSN 2398-8762
page 3
The New European October 12-October 18, 2017 3 AGENDA THE Nigel’s empty feeling as ’Kipper rivals party on B R E X F A C T O R STEVE ANGLESEY rounds up the losers and losers (because there are no winners) of another crazy seven days on Planet Brexit 10 Katie Hopkins The peroxide hate machine appears to have gone Full Icke after last Saturday’s road traffic accident near London’s Natural History Museum. Having initially deleted tweets including “dear tourist, right now London is not worth the risk” when police declared the incident not terrorrelated, Hoppo later appeared to have a change of heart and advised followers, “Remember. The news is only what you have been allowed to hear. Listen widely. #LasVegasShooting #RTA” And 48 hours later she was telling an audience in Soho that “I stand by the idea that it’s a terror attack. “I don’t shy away from that. It’s my personal opinion.” Perhaps it’s time to disband the government’s official crisis response committee and just let Katie decide on what is and isn’t terrorism. After all, she does talk an awful lot of COBRAs. 9 8 Jacob Rees-Mogg Told a Tory party meeting that if Brexit is reversed “I would probably flee the country”. Yet another reason to Remain! Henry Bolton Bemoaning the state of modern Britain, UKIP’s new leader told TalkRadio that “in certain communities the indigenous Anglo-Saxon population is almost nowhere to be seen”. Not surprising, Hank, given that any school kid will tell you the Anglo-Saxon era ended in 1066 with the death of Harold and the arrival of William the Conqueror. Next week: Henry Bolton asks whether uncontrolled immigration has driven the Plantagenet majority underground. 7 John Rees-Evans Defeated by Bolton for the captaincy of the Titanic, Rees-Evans has quit UKIP to join Affinity – not a team on The Apprentice but a new party. Its policies include “a new national bank which will pay 10% interest on savings and 8% on current accounts” and “immigration by invitation”. No mention yet of being tough on gay donkeys and tough on the causes of gay donkeys, but perhaps John is working up to that. Rees-Evans said: “I am convinced beyond any question that Affinity is the most powerful weapon in the world to deliver Direct Democracy.” In him it’s certainly got one of the biggest weapons in the world on board. 6 Liz Bilney The CEO of Arron Banks’ Leave.EU group appeared on BBC Wales to insist “we haven’t seen any economic shock as a result of Brexit”. Apart from sterling losing almost 10% of its value, inflation rising nearly fivefold, growth slowing to a four-year low, the UK having the worst-performing major economy in the world and consumer credit rising to a level not seen since the financial crisis as consumers borrow to cope, she’s absolutely right! 5 Michael Gove The launch of the environment secretary’s ban on sales of ivory went swimmingly… until the moment he was asked whether he had a piano at home and, if so, he’d looked to see if the white keys were OK. “Erm.. I’d better go back now and make sure,” ad-libbed the Govester, proving that a coherent plan of what to do if Leave actually won the referendum isn’t the only thing to have slipped his mind in recent years. 4 Bernard Jenkin The former Maastricht rebel opened a Guardian article by declaring: “There is no intrinsic reason why Brexit should be difficult.” Indeed so – navigating a comprehensive free trade deal, an entirely new immigration system and a fresh customs agreement is just a piece of cake! It certainly sounds a bit more difficult than correctly filling in your expenses, but perhaps not for Bernard. In 2010 he was ordered to pay back thousands of pounds after renting a second home from his wife’s sister despite a Commons rule change stating that MPs must not use family members as landlords. Happily his dad, the former Tory minister Patrick Jenkin, helped pay it off for him! 3 Nigel Farage The nicotine-stained man-frog declared in April that standing for election in Clacton-on-Sea would be “a very easy win and for me, a personal vindication to get into the House of Commons after all these years of standing in elections”. Oddly, brave Nigel neglected to do so, but we finally got a test of the former UKIP leader’s popularity in the Essex seaside town last weekend, when he brought his one-man show to the local Princes Theatre. As of the day before the gig, he’d sold a whopping 179 of the 802 available tickets. Of course, this is no indication that Farage’s popularity is waning. As manager Ian Faith explained in This Is Spinal Tap, it must just be that his “appeal is becoming more selective”. 2 Anne Marie Waters Having been spotted by a New Statesman mole weeping in a Torquay car park following her failed bid for the UKIP leadership, Islamophobic Irishwoman Anne Marie is now launching her own new party too. She’s calling it For Britain, a disappointingly safe choice. Since JR-E has already claimed Affinity, we think Anne Marie should have gone with IMPACT – a near-acronym of ‘It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To’. 1 Daily Express readers Readers of Richard Desmond’s Brexit-happy rag are furious that adverts for The New European have been appearing on the overseas version of the BBC’s News website. “If this had happened at in war time they would all be tried for treason,” mused ‘Ian W’, while ‘Adrian Thomas2’ wrote: “The Brussels Broadcasting Corporation is a national disgrace… the people of the U.K cannot be fooled or waivered (sic).” And most sensibly of all, there was this from ‘The Patriot’: “the brussels broadcasting caliphate receive 268 million pounds a year from the eu, source of information a top ranking mep in brussels by email, this is on top of the 4 billion pounds licence fee that jails british single mothers struggling to feed their children and handing them large fines from a company contracted to the brussels broadcasting caliphate.” With a impeccable sources and a way with words like that, how long before ‘The Patriot’ gets his own column in what laughably bills itself as “the world’s greatest newspaper”? Key Aristoprat Something of the night Chief Lemming Scourge of gay donkeys Billy No-Mates Comedy character Conspiracy theorist Basic error Green ink brigade Deserter Complete and utter pianist Expenses trouble Batshit craziness Doesn’t add up

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The New European

October 12-October 18, 2017

3

AGENDA

THE

Nigel’s empty feeling as ’Kipper rivals party on

B R E X F A C T O R

STEVE ANGLESEY rounds up the losers and losers (because there are no winners) of another crazy seven days on Planet Brexit

10

Katie Hopkins

The peroxide hate machine appears to have gone Full Icke after last Saturday’s road traffic accident near London’s Natural History Museum.

Having initially deleted tweets including “dear tourist, right now London is not worth the risk” when police declared the incident not terrorrelated, Hoppo later appeared to have a change of heart and advised followers, “Remember. The news is only what you have been allowed to hear. Listen widely. #LasVegasShooting #RTA”

And 48 hours later she was telling an audience in Soho that “I stand by the idea that it’s a terror attack.

“I don’t shy away from that. It’s my personal opinion.”

Perhaps it’s time to disband the government’s official crisis response committee and just let Katie decide on what is and isn’t terrorism.

After all, she does talk an awful lot of COBRAs.

9 8

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Told a Tory party meeting that if Brexit is reversed “I would probably flee the country”.

Yet another reason to Remain!

Henry Bolton

Bemoaning the state of modern Britain, UKIP’s new leader told TalkRadio that “in certain communities the indigenous Anglo-Saxon population is almost nowhere to be seen”.

Not surprising, Hank, given that any school kid will tell you the Anglo-Saxon era ended in 1066 with the death of Harold and the arrival of William the Conqueror.

Next week: Henry Bolton asks whether uncontrolled immigration has driven the Plantagenet majority underground.

7

John Rees-Evans

Defeated by Bolton for the captaincy of the Titanic, Rees-Evans has quit UKIP to join Affinity – not a team on The Apprentice but a new party. Its policies include

“a new national bank which will pay 10% interest on savings and 8% on current accounts” and “immigration by invitation”. No mention yet of being tough on gay donkeys and tough on the causes of gay donkeys, but perhaps John is working up to that.

Rees-Evans said: “I am convinced beyond any question that Affinity is the most powerful weapon in the world to deliver Direct Democracy.” In him it’s certainly got one of the biggest weapons in the world on board.

6

Liz Bilney

The CEO of Arron Banks’ Leave.EU group appeared on BBC Wales to insist “we haven’t seen any economic shock as a result of Brexit”.

Apart from sterling losing almost 10% of its value, inflation rising nearly fivefold, growth slowing to a four-year low, the UK having the worst-performing major economy in the world and consumer credit rising to a level not seen since the financial crisis as consumers borrow to cope, she’s absolutely right!

5

Michael Gove

The launch of the environment secretary’s ban on sales of ivory went swimmingly… until the moment he was asked whether he had a piano at home and, if so, he’d looked to see if the white keys were OK.

“Erm.. I’d better go back now and make sure,” ad-libbed the Govester, proving that a coherent plan of what to do if Leave actually won the referendum isn’t the only thing to have slipped his mind in recent years.

4

Bernard Jenkin

The former Maastricht rebel opened a Guardian article by declaring: “There is no intrinsic reason why Brexit should be difficult.” Indeed so – navigating a comprehensive free trade deal, an entirely new immigration system and a fresh customs agreement is just a piece of cake!

It certainly sounds a bit more difficult than correctly filling in your expenses, but perhaps not for Bernard. In 2010 he was ordered to pay back thousands of pounds after renting a second home from his wife’s sister despite a Commons rule change stating that MPs must not use family members as landlords. Happily his dad, the former Tory minister Patrick Jenkin, helped pay it off for him!

3

Nigel Farage

The nicotine-stained man-frog declared in April that standing for election in Clacton-on-Sea would be “a very easy win and for me, a personal vindication to get into the House of Commons after all these years of standing in elections”.

Oddly, brave Nigel neglected to do so, but we finally got a test of the former UKIP leader’s popularity in the Essex seaside town last weekend, when he brought his one-man show to the local Princes Theatre. As of the day before the gig, he’d sold a whopping 179 of the 802 available tickets.

Of course, this is no indication that Farage’s popularity is waning. As manager Ian Faith explained in This Is Spinal Tap, it must just be that his “appeal is becoming more selective”.

2

Anne Marie Waters

Having been spotted by a New Statesman mole weeping in a Torquay car park following her failed bid for the UKIP leadership, Islamophobic Irishwoman Anne Marie is now launching her own new party too. She’s calling it For Britain, a disappointingly safe choice. Since JR-E has already claimed Affinity, we think Anne Marie should have gone with IMPACT – a near-acronym of ‘It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To’.

1

Daily Express readers

Readers of Richard Desmond’s Brexit-happy rag are furious that adverts for The New European have been appearing on the overseas version of the BBC’s News website.

“If this had happened at in war time they would all be tried for treason,” mused ‘Ian W’, while ‘Adrian Thomas2’ wrote: “The Brussels Broadcasting Corporation is a national disgrace… the people of the U.K cannot be fooled or waivered (sic).”

And most sensibly of all, there was this from ‘The Patriot’: “the brussels broadcasting caliphate receive 268 million pounds a year from the eu, source of information a top ranking mep in brussels by email, this is on top of the 4 billion pounds licence fee that jails british single mothers struggling to feed their children and handing them large fines from a company contracted to the brussels broadcasting caliphate.”

With a impeccable sources and a way with words like that, how long before ‘The Patriot’ gets his own column in what laughably bills itself as “the world’s greatest newspaper”?

Key

Aristoprat

Something of the night

Chief Lemming

Scourge of gay donkeys

Billy No-Mates

Comedy character

Conspiracy theorist

Basic error

Green ink brigade

Deserter

Complete and utter pianist

Expenses trouble

Batshit craziness

Doesn’t add up

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